Let’s talk about Leagues. Let’s admit that this new model is working. Leagues exist. We like the idea and the concept and the competition. But they are not dominating the storyline of the season. League Games. Not League Weeks. And I want to get the two games that were played in Week 3 (that would be Blunts of Prime v. Carnivores and Gorillaz v. Duck Dynasty), but we first we need to acknowledge how we got here. Because if the Recaps have any purpose at this stage – they tell the story of Jewball. Therefore, we need to lay the foundation for this seismic shift in Leaguedom.
Once Upon a Time….there was Jewball. And it was good. For almost 25 years it was played pick-up style. At first by choosing up on the field (since one would never know who was in that week until you got to the field and saw who ventured out). Then later – once the technology allowed for it – by set teams constructed in advance. These teams were put together by a randomly selected randomizer which would often need to make many changes in the hours and minutes leading up to the game as…things changed. Babysitters canceled. Flu bugs bit. Alarm clocks mysteriously malfunctioned (especially on cold Sunday mornings after Saturday night’s a-drinking). The players got better and more committed so the games got better. There was less need for adjustment. But Jewball was living in a world of Leagues. Competing in a world of Crotons and Degels and AFLIs. The players that would leave us to play in the Leagues…they loved Jewball. I never doubted that for a second. But when I asked them: So, you go to this field and play one hour of football? Yeah. And you don’t even play offense and defense? Yeah. So on Sunday morning….you play less than 40 minutes total of football? Yeah. Then why would you leave Jewball?! We play 105 minutes (sometimes 120 minutes) straight. Both ways. And it’s free! And we have souls! You’re giving up this to play that??? And the answer I always got was: It’s the competition. There is just something about a set team playing against another set team with playoffs and a championship being the stakes. I get it. Now, my counterargument would be that these other leagues – while technically competitive – seem to be rife with issues that corrupt the competition. Whether that be Zinn playing for every team, refs missing calls, players not respecting calls, Dachs creating super teams, or my personal number one reason for loathing these leagues….players encouraged to commit penalties because the ref might not see. What a joke. But this is a digression. The fact is…players like the competition and fire of a league. They thrive on it. Sure, many don’t. Many view it as a corruption of Jewball’s purity. But you know what? They said the same thing about going from touch to flag. About going from a 105 minute game to two 90 minute games. Jewball survives because it evolves. So we went with the Leagues idea. At first, a cabal of Captains met in Rabin’s sukkah under the cover of darkness and schach. Yaron, Rabin, Jordan, and some wide-eyed kid named….we didn’t know his name. But he showed up….and he buried his head in a bucket of wings and, with sauce all over his face, kept nodding, saying in both, and piling up bones like a chicken graveyard. There was no draft. Rabin got the first 10 picks. They were called the Assmen. Yaron ingeniously created a team that could not be verified as he could bring anyone he ever played with in Queens (or anywhere) from the beginning of time. That was the 193. We made a team for Feit, who wasn’t there. Think we gave him Mighty because….he always gets Mighty. And we looked at Pray who was leaving no scraps in the bucket of wings…and we gave him the scraps of Jewball. They became the legendary Birds of Pray. And guess what? On the final day of that League Season….a double header on the grass at Lawrence High School – a day where we got thrown off the turf and then almost off the grass – where Rabin made a phone call to save the day – and where the Assmen – with all their stars came up short – BOP won it all. Vegh went off. Pray was born. That pic of a glowing, elative Prime, Dobs, Goldberg, Legs, PJs, Salem, Vegh, and Pray is burned into my brain. The glory of it all. That pic is the seedling of majesty. It’s the kind of pic that gets framed and hung up in a Jewball sports bar in 2037 and one tipsy guy points to it while talking Jewball and sharing a beer: “That’s where Leagues began. Those guys won the first championship.” And the other guy answers…even tipsier: “That’s crazy. Can’t believe this thing has been around so lon- wait a minute…I’m Pray….I’m in that picture….lol.”
We knew so little, but we also knew so much. We knew we were onto something. The next year we took a massive leap by inaugurating the Draft Party by Rabin. The glistening pool, the Yaron/Steve-O jerseys, TBI on site making it feel like an ESPN event, Laura Curran coming out with her hot AF security guard, the Jewball Vets showing up…what a special night. As many have rightly said…..If Leagues exist for the Draft Party alone….Dayenu.
But we went too far. We did. Between TBI, the chat, and just the general hock of Jewball….it started to lean way too Leagues heavy. We were losing our essence. Leagues became the dominant talking point, if not the only storyline. The only thing that MATTERED. The Vets weren’t happy. Many of the Rooks were getting a bad taste. The flavor of Jewball was souring in their mouths. So, after 4 League seasons – this year…we made some changes to counter the negativity. In short: 1.) Leagues are for Jewballers, not mercenaries. You want to play in Leagues – you can’t show up to 6 games a season. You need to play in 10 total Jewball games to be playoff eligible. 2.) There is Jewball every week. League games are played, but there is never a Jewball week where ONLY League Games are played. There is no week where Leagues are the only story. 3.) The Captains would no longer be the QBs. The Captains would be a carefully selected group of Jewball purists. Guys who like Leagues, respect the competition, want to win, but understand that Jewball is and never will be about Leagues. And so here we are. Jewball League Year 5. And it kicked off in Week 3, which I will get to recapping.
The Blunts of Prime are a scary bunch. Or at least they should be. Or should have been. A bunch of angry, surly killer types who want to cut you and watch you bleed. Maybe the problem is they started their season against the Carnivores who want to cut and eat you. The Blunts are run by Prime, with Yaron at QB, O, Beast, Justin and Bert protecting and rushing, and Jordan, Storm, and the Ice Man WRing. The Carnivores are Kut’s team and they pulled off some magic in the draft. Got Zinn at 1 and then still managed to snag a 1st round QB in Gronk. Add to that Sherriff, Dobs, Tom, E, TBD, and Stella….and yikes. I feel like Gronk and Zinn and no one else could somehow win a game, but with that panel of players – they will be tough to beat. And tough to beat they were for BLOP. Yaron started the game promisingly with a Jordan streak down the sideline and a sliding catch by the Commish in his (allegedly) final season. But, like many BLOP drives on the day, they did not end in scores. The Blunts were getting off to a slow start. Maybe hazy start. Kinda like a start that made it seem like the Blunts took their name too literally and smoked before the game. There was lethargy, confusion, overcomplications, under-performances. And the Carnivores were the completely opposite. Slick, crisp, machine-like. Now, to be fair….both teams have a secret weapon. Zinn for the Carnivores and Ice Man for the Blunts. And Ice Man was playing with flu symptoms still hounding him. But he would never make excuses. It just wasn’t the Blunts day. They didn’t keep it close. Yaron’s diminished arm strength (due to injury) and decision making were tough to watch. He threw 3 picks and 3 TDs. Gronk threw 5 TDs (to 4 different receivers) and only 1 pick. Jewball to Gronk.
A similar Duck Tale was playing out over on the other field, as the Ducks were trying to hold off a stampede of Gorrilaz. It was another case of a team trying to find itself and not up to the task. There is definitely something to be said for drafting a team that is no assembly required. Just open the package and let the games begin. Now, it doesn’t mean that such a team will win it all, but it definitely gives that team an advantage in the early going. While teams like the Ducks and the Blunts need to cohere and figure themselves out…you got consummate professionals starring for Gorrliaz and Carnivores – and they need no winding up. And it showed in these early League games. With the Gorillaz…let me count the pros: Pray, Spira, Legs, Rook, Irv, Zada, Sting, Blitz…and they even have a guy like Kid who actually played in the pros. And while Ernie’s Ducks are not short on talent (and in fact are infused with tremendous talent) – they are a team that will need their QB, Dachs, to find his way with the new core of receivers, like Tommy, Vegh, BK, and Daveo. I didn’t see the game, but Gorillaz won by a nice amount and – most concerning – is that Ducks only scored one. Jewball to Pray for the 3 TDs thrown and the pick.
In the late game, Yaron continued a trend of playing like trash at 8am and being a wrecking ball at 945. He decimates Pray 5-1 in a game where Solo sacked Pray 3 times and Yaron threw 5 TDs to 4 different receivers (Mighty, Goldberg, Logan, and 2 to BK)….but also the thrown picks were there with 3. Regardless, Pray had his League victory in his pocket and nary put up a fight in this one. Yaron gets the Jewball, but Pray goes home 1-0. This would mean something if Leagues mattered. 😏