It’s a cliché, but Jewball has become the gift that keeps on giving. With every season, we add something new that immediately becomes an integral part of the tradition. As if we’ve always done it. As if the innovation had just been waiting for us to incorporate it into our ever expanding schedule. And so it has been with our Chanukah Party – now a mere three years old, but feeling like a well worn pair of jeans. Just comfortable and reliable and always a good look. Legs was just a precocious newbie when he stated with the authority of a Vet that Jewball shall have a Chanukah Party. And the wives shall be invited. So it shall be written. So it shall be done. Year one was a pool hall in Island Park. Year two was a brewery in Oceanside. Year Three was a music hall in West Hempstead. Three different flavors, but each one absolutely spot-on for the moment in time. My only regret is that not everyone could be at every one. But to those who came out, thank you. It’s a major source of a chizuk for me personally and for all those who appreciate the world we have built and continue to. Thank you to Legs once again for starting this up and buying us all drinks. To Rabin for sponsoring the games. To Yaron for handling the food (and to all those who sent him $). To Daveo, Steveo and Ice Man for the donuts (support Alans!). To the big O for thinking about our wives and getting them extremely thoughtful gifts. To Weague Leek (Kut, Ernie, Dax, Daveo, and Steveo) for entertaining the hell out of us. And most of all to DK for giving Ernie a permanent complex.
The party preceded Week 10, and although there wasn’t mass intoxication at the party, there seemed to be a group hangover Sunday morning by anyone playing against Yaron.
It was our second week in a row of pending rain storms. So cold and gloomy, but the Jewball gods once again kept the downpour in check so the games could be played.
Let’s start with the blow out loss. We can blame one of two things for such an uneven game – if we are looking for excuses. One is Brody’s big comeback was delayed at the last minute by none other than Brody. I believe he wholeheartedly intends to return, but I think I speak for all of us when I say – I’ll believe it when I see it. So Spira – a very good player – takes the place of Brody. The issue is just they are different kinds of players. It took a speed receiver away from Pray. The other excuse is Pray who was getting over a flu-like symptomy week. He just wasn’t himself. The other possibility – and it should not be brushed aside – is that Gronk is back to the dominant Gronk that beat up on every QB we threw at him. A week after leading a team that put up a whopping 8 scores, he leads a team that puts up….a whopping 8 scores. Although this will be remembered as the Tom game, where the big fella galloped his way to two awe-inspiring touchdowns, it’s really about what Gonk is doing right now. As Tom himself said later in the day while chasing his kids around Ohr Torah, “Gronk uses me.” And that’s what makes the Mat Stafford doppelganger so effective. He has gift for processing the field and finding the open man. He firmly believes that the open man gets the ball – no matter what the power rankings or the mock drafts say. Faith breeds confidence and confidence breeds catches. Well, Gronk ran away with this one. Literally. He ran, sashayed, shook, and shimmied for 3 scores himself while throwing 5 more to 3 different receivers. Pray could only put up half that many points in his diminished state. The Rat got his stats with a TD and a pick. Mike made a really sweet deep catch for a score, starting to show the skills that he’s been promoting on the chat. And the quiet hero of Jewball, Josh Scott Dobs, not only inflated the menorah, but inflated his stat line with 2 TDs. Although I’d love to give the Jewball to Tom because he’s a majestic beast of a man, it’s got to be Gronk for laying the smackdown two weeks in a row.
On the other side of the cones, Yaron was doing his best Gronk impression – he himself rushing for 3 TDs, but would it be enough? His opposing QB, the great recent girl dad Dachs, is known for putting up points and running up a score. But to do this, your receivers needs to catch the ball. And his have been suffering from a chronic case of the dropsies. A malady that plagued many of Yaron’s receivers in the past.
Now what if I told you that Yaron’s top receiver, Ice Man, would go down early with ankle, attempt to tough through it, but eventually limp off the field not to return. What if I told you that his replacement, Legs, would not show up until garbage time. What if I told you the Sheriff would score two for Yaron, but they would each be canceled by calls (Goldberg PI, and Beast that the line moved – poetic combo). What if I told you, two of Yaron’s players, Goldberg and Ross, would each have multiple easy almost picks which they bumbled. And then what if I told you Yaron won by 3 scores over Dachs, 5-2. It’s hard to say what was wrong with Dachs, but I guess I’ll just say Mazal Tov. He had a lot on his mind and his receivers were making his life miserable with some unforced errors. Either way, the W by Yaron was inexplicable. But that’s why we play the games. Two very hot QBs going head to head in Week 11 in a League Game (in less than 10 hours actually). Jewball to Yaron for winning this one with smoke, mirrors, scotch tape, and other scraps of the trash his game is made of.
The late game was better. While Pray’s fever had still not broken, at least this time Spira was actually supposed to be on his team. I have to admit, I spent most of the game talking life, hashkafa, and shidduchim with Irv, I was cognizant of the game for fleeting moments. One of them allowed me to witness a spectacular, stunning, and stupendous touch down pass from Pray to BK like Lock to Smith-Njigba. BK getting to the ball in full stride and hauling it in with his fingertips down the right sideline. At another instant of paying attention, I saw Legs looking more and more like the T-1000 version of Christian McCaffrey. But this terminator wears tiny pink shorts. Brad had 2 sacks, a TD, came early to help Jewball, and wore his shorts. I was going to give Yaron two Jewballs on the day, but he’ll gladly take his 2 wins and the momentum into tomorrow. Instead, it’lll go to Legs since TBI and the general consensus of Jewball is that Legs is the man right now. Or at least the cybernetic organism right now. Come with me if you want to win.

League Weeks 1 and 2 Recap

Although we played one League game Primeaturely, Week 7 of Jewball marked the official start of League Weeks. The hype for Leagues this season was somewhat muted by the reconfigured Draft Party and the long wait for the games to begin, but Jewball Leagues are Jewball Leagues, and there is really nothing quite like it in our history. We’ve had big games, whether against non Jewball teams or – most similarly – Vets Rooks, but there is something about Leagues. The jerseys. The team names. The bonding. The knowledge that only one crew will remain standing, and DOMA sits at the end of the crucible. I like to think that Jewballers bring it every week – and for the most part, they do. No one takes a play off. Except for Snow accidentally saying in the huddle once, “Let’s have some fun,” and Zinn accidentally saying on the chat once that Vets Rooks doesn’t matter, Jewballers generally show up ready to rumble. But you can’t deny the sizzle in the air on League Weeks. So, despite the drama, it was a great idea, it remains a great idea – and – with some tweaks – we are continuing to make it a core element of the Jewball season.
Week 7 featured two games, Cronies v. Dawgs and Lionhearts v. Cobras. The Crocs (0-1) and Birds (1-0) had the week off and a bunch of their players came down to watch.  First up was Cronies v. Dawgs. Gotta hand it to the Dawgs. They have shown up for both League Games so far with their full rosters available. That’s always a great sign. Cronies have 3 players on the IR (Sting, Jordan, and Samet), with possibly only Jordan poised to come back this season. And PJs was on assignment. So it was formed Crony (and Championship MVP) Maor to the rescue. That gave the team 6. Daxxy recruited a kid from high school with a good reputation to round out the squad – nice, kid, but the result was less than nice.
Gronk came out leading his Cronies with that Gronk swagger. Quick long strike, perfectly placed to Storm, and it was Cronies on the board first. 6-0. But all that potential and hype disappeared as the game progressed. Daxxy’s Plus 1 had a brutal game of drops. And we know Gronk – he gives up on no one who is open. Player was open. The ball hit him in the hands. The ball hit the ground. Time and time again. The good news for the Cronies was, Dawgs were going drop for drop with them. Think even Mighty dropped one. For sure Ross did. Dachs and Gronk were handling their business and being let down. However, Dawgs has Mighty and Legs – two players that have shown this season that they will not be held down. Mighty caught 2 TDs, and had a P6. Legs erupts for 6 sacks. Jewball to each of those monsters. This is also the game where Beast reffed, and I think it went relatively well with someone making calls. Less fights. Even though some of the calls were made under the influence. I think. Your final is 26-6 Dawgs (1-0) over Cronies (0-1).
In a game that felt like it would be even more one-sided than the early game, Lionhearts v. Cobras had some juice at the end. Once again, it was the team that had its roster show up looking a lot better than the team trying to plug holes. Listen, I give Perla a ton of credit. He is the ultimate gamer. He abides by the philosophy of…..you do your best with what you have and you fight to the whistle. But Cobras need MK, Solo, Goldberg, and Sherrif at every game to compete. And so far they have not had a game with those 4 in attendance. They played a fully stocked Lionhearts and it wasn’t close for most of the game. Yaron jumped out to a 3 score lead, looking really comfortable with his new toys. While his usual go-to, Jack, did have a rushing TD, it was Fox having the statement game hauling in 3 TDs. With all hope seeming lost, Perla did his usual furious comeback bit. Riding the elusive speed and sure-handedness of Sherrif, and the rage of Big E Walls (3 sacks), Cobras made it interesting in the end. Whiskey caught at TD pass which brought the Cobras to within a score to tie the game. But Yaron pumped two late TDs in (1 to Stats and 1 to Fox) and put it out of reach. Jewball to Yaron for the 5 TDs thrown and 2 sacks as his Lionhearts (1-0) defeat the Cobras (0-1).
After a rain checked Week 8, League Week 2 was played – all 3 games at 8 am. We will begin with the 2 played at Lawrence High School on an unseasonably warm and calm December morning – though the clouds were pregnant with a brewing storm. And speaking of storms a brewing, our very own Johnny Storm had himself a game for the Cronies. This time it was Cobras with MK and Goldberg, but without Perla’s main weapon, Sherrif. Regardless, there is no real good excuse for what happened. Cobras need to figure out something that works. They have too many talented players to not be competitive. This one is not worth analyzing much more than saying Gronk gets Jewball for throwing 6 TDS to 4 different receivers (3 to Storm). The Kids scores the only TD for Cobras. PJS had a TD and an epic sack which we just learned will sideline Perla for a bit (welcome to the club). And Tommy looks like a keeper. Cronies (1-1) right the ship and Cobras (0-2) are still looking for answers.
 Across the way, a heavyweight battle was underway. BOP v. Dawgs faced each other in a game that many think will be replicated in the finals. Once again, Dawgs were fully loaded, while BOP was missing Prime, and for most of the game it was Dawgs on top. The game was scoreless for the first quarter, but as the 2nd quarter began, Dachs found Waldo streaking across the back of the endzone and took the lead. The lead was held until 2 minutes before the half, when Pray found former FCFT and Top Guns captain, Feit, a step off the sideline in the endzone and the QB did his best WR impression, making the catch and getting 3 balls in. Game tied. At this point, I ventured to WMS to scope our 3rd game of the day, but when I returned 45 minutes later, it was clear that Dawgs had been victimized. They were wronged in some way and the game was unofficially being played under protest. Two calls by BOP were being disrespected (a flag guard call by Daveo and PI call by Ice Man) had the Dawgs uproarious. Meanwhile, they had the lead with 15 minutes left. But the lead was squandered as the clock ticked down. After multiple holding calls by Legs as BOP knocked on the door of a game tying TD, Pray eventually slipped one in to Ice Man and the score was tied.  Everyone was exhausted from the arguing, spirits were low, and players had/wanted to go – so it was decided to go 1 and 1 full possession with Dachs and Dawgs getting ball first. You could kind of tell that Dawgs were going to lose this game based on the way things had gone. Right or wrong, the calls and the turn of events had them unfocused and resigned to a bitter fate. They went 3 and out. Pray and BOP were confident and played with their chins up. O had to run so the Dawgs were down a big defensive weapon, especially on the pass rush and slowing the QB run. Pray used this to his advantage and marched down the field with a few runs mixed in. On the final play of the game, Pray connects with Feit once again in the endzone and as the saying goes, Feit got hands. He makes the catch and closes this one out. BOP (2-0) 18 and Dawgs (1-1) 12. Jewball goes to a man who hasn’t played much football with us this season. In fact, this was his first regular season game. He had a very disappointing season last year, and a disappointing League season the year before that….but Jewballers never say die. Feit told us he couldn’t commit to playing this season. Couldn’t commit to Leagues. But he entered the draft and was chosen in the very late rounds by Pray. And last Sunday he was a game winning hero. Jewball to Feit for all the reasons we give out this award.
The last game is the one I know the least about. I know that it was scheduled to be played at HHS, but was rerouted to WMS and thankfully that worked. I know that Yaron was without Fox, who was the real scoring difference-maker for him in League Game 1. MVP and the Crocs were also short a few players, but what a blessing to have Jesus come back and play some Jewball with us. Jesus does it right (as does Zez). It’s okay to leave Jewball if you must, but if you are around – get a game in. Keep the tradition going. Stay with the family. Jesus is a Golden Age player who has made sure to catch a game whenever he can. If you ever find yourself away from Jewball, but have an opportunity to come back for a game, ask yourself: What would Jesus do? Jesus ended up needing to play for both teams as Rabin had some tightness which gave him scare enough to pull himself from the game. If I’m not mistaken, Crocs never trailed. They either had the lead or were tied from the beginning. I asked Zinn after the game, what he thought of Crocs. His quietly confident take: “We are working on some things.” I interpret that as, we have a good team, and we can win this whole thing….but we need to stay hungry and have the mentality of improve every game. It’s a very likeable and talented team. Well, Zinn lead by example last Sunday with 3 scores and a pick – Jewball to him. Jesus told me on the sideline about Zinn, we’ve had great athletes, but no one ever as smooth as that kid. Can’t argue. Zinn’s 3 TDs plus 1 by BK were enough to beat a subdued Lionhearts offense. Snow’s Crocs (1-1) just had too much firepower and Lionhearts (1-1) felt the absence of Fox.

One day, someone might read this recap and wonder why it has so few details considering it was written between Week 6 and Week 7, as is the tradition. Not just tradition, but more or less the practice for almost 20 years. But, as an excuse as well as an indictment, this recapper must admit that it is being drafted on the eve of Week 9. I will catch up, but it won’t be pretty.
Week 6 was played 6 days after the surgery that has me on the sidelines for another month. I made some notes so I wouldn’t forget the games entirely. There were 3 games played. I have a note saying, “the week Pray screwed everyone.” Presuming my memory serves and Woodmere Middle School did not turn into Yaron’s favorite beach club, this was the week we thought perhaps Yopray was making his earthly debut. So, it went from a really hot Pray v. Dachs matchup. A one for the ages battle of brothers as the Dachs boys clashed with the K Bros. It had the makings of a Jewball inferno. Instead, Pray goes ahead and has a staring contest with his wife for 5 hours, waiting for her to flinch and clear him for departure. With each contraction, the quality of our games contracted. Not only did she ultimately not have the baby until two weeks later, but Pray couldn’t make the call early enough, so a Pray lead team became a Rahmani lead team – and not even the Vet….it was the undrafted rookie, Akiva Rahmani. Truth be told, he wasn’t that bad. He has his dad’s confidence and determination, and he threw some true passes. Put up 2 scores with Legs and 2 with the Rook, but too little too late as this was a revenge game for Dachs who had been starved of his prized weapon for weeks. No one can say Dachs isn’t talented on his own (Recap of Week 7 will allow for this discussion), but give him Dax and one can call the force unstoppable. With Daxxy on their side as well – and Pray out – well, very few things in Jewball are inevitable, but math is math. And 3 Dachs > 3 Ks + 2 Rahmanis. Dax goes off for 5 TDS in a Dachs over Rahmani win 6-4. Jewballs to Dachs and Dax, proving once again that there is no better tandem in Jewball.
One benefit of writing the recap embarrassingly late is that I can epilogue here and report with the nachas of a grandfather that we were zocheh to see the aforementioned Prayby born between Week 7 and Week 8, which caused much light and joy in the Jewball world. Beginning with the collection for the Jewball gift (thank you, as always, big O), which I am told was the most participated in gift we have had. And I’m not surprised. Many people contribute to things. Many do so consistently. A bunch do it every time. But, I can say this unequivocally about Pray – he is as zealous and generous when it come to giving to Jewball as it gets. And he’s being doing it since day 1. In other words – he doesn’t just deserve it, he’s creating his own reality. You INDEED reap what you sow. As I told him after the shoyloym zoychoyur that Jewball descended on a week ago Friday night, thank you for being the guy we want to walk to in the pouring rain for. There was no question. No doubt. It’s a Pray simcha. We’re there. Was capped off by the bris, which I did forget about (so there goes the speech above), but thankfully Daveo messaged a dig at BD (who probably hates this paragraph so much), which got me there in a flash – just in time to catch the pic and learn that Kut likes his eggs runny af. I was also able to botch a Harachaman (thank you, Pray – means more to me than you can know) and hear Pray speak and call Jewball his other family. Well, he didn’t lie – we are. May Yonah grow l’tackles, catches, and mvp seasons.
Across the field on a stunning football Sunday, Yaron and MVP were locked in perhaps the best game of our young but rapidly aging Jewball season. Do I remember much about it? Of course not. But I do recall it being a good one. I believe it was the Solo Jewball season debut and he made it a real good one. The kind of game you get Jewballs for with 5 sacks and getting his team on the board with a dump and run TD. Was great to see him doing his rhythmic breathing exercises on the field once again. If I recall – and I don’t – Yaron jumped out to a lead in this one by maybe two scores. He was giving Snow a licking while the only thing Snow was licking was his fingers. Despite all that moisture – or maybe because of it – Snow threw 3 picks (Dobs, Bron, and The Kid). And what if I told you that Yaron put up 3 scores in the game? Sounds like Le’Bron got himself off the matt and went home with a W. But, no. Despite throwing zero picks…I guess the defense just locked down on him and prevented further damage, while Snow threw 3 TDs to the Mighty one and one to the Wizard….and – let’s just say in OT since I think it was – Snow defeats Yaron 4-3! Jewball to Mighty once again. It’s getting stupid.
In the 945 Game, Yaron, coming off a tough loss, had a very tough task. A hungry Pray was released and showed up ready to ball. It was clear that all his frustrations with his wife, marriage, life choices, and religion were about to be unleashed on the field. And then the randomizer went full crackhead and handed him Solo, Legs, Spira, Ice Man, Salem, and Beast. It’s like the Suicide Squad version of Jewball and I don’t mean the softball version, emphasis on the soft. Although Yaron had the power of 4 Katzes (and btw – just thought of a great name for an all Katz team – ThunderKatz), it wasn’t remotely enough to prevent the murder death kills that greeted him that Sunday morning. Pray threw 5 TDS. Two to the Ice Man, 2 to Legs, and 1 to my boy Spira. Pray gets the Jewball for risking his marriage once again for Jewball. Not sure that’s a good thing, but he should at least get something for his questionable decision making. 
TURKEY BOWL
I’m not gonna recap these games because I filmed them, but I must certainly once again commend Rabin for bringing The Oracle down. How cool is that? The guy was the first Jewballer! I’ve never met him until a few weeks ago and he was able to watch our game and the guys were able to give him respect and express gratitude. We will pick this concept up at the Chanukah Party, but miracles are no coincidence.
Dachs beats Snow in the early one. Dom came out to set up and ref, which was also a Jewball first. My ice cream cake melted into oblivion and I believe is now a permanent fixture to the LHS track. I got to finally drink beers with Ernie. Kut made juicy wings.
Every year on Thanksgiving we ask for a miracle and that Rabin will put it all together and throw a game of winning football. Until 120 we hope to continue. But, such miracles are happening much less frequently in recent years. We will always have that incredible Turkey Bowl Tourney win….that was top 3 Jewball moments. But, alas, you were struggling in this one and Gronk took over about half way through. Was an excellent game. Feit was back and…y’know….he just looked really sharp. He looked like the Feit that caught on at the end of the Miracle Season and was immediately handed a League Team. He looked like the guy who had IT. Less pump fakes and more pumped up. He did end up losing as Gronk stages a sweet comeback with Rabin as receiver playing hero – making a wild catch behind his head even though he was facing the QB….so…yeah. But Feit had this game. Dropped TD by Pray, and Irv didn’t come down with a game winner. But Thanksgiving isn’t about results or stats. I mean, results matter – Ws never die, but – again – these recaps are coming in late and we have the ability to take the long view of everything. I am thankful for Dom, and Feit, and The Oracle, and Shuey Offman who came out to watch some Jewball, and the memories of that epic tournament with Rabin, and the fact that we celebrate all things together – because we take nothing for granted.

Coming Soon

Much to recap. Since the surgery, it feels like I have a built-in excuse, and I guess I’ve been using it. And thank you for not getting on me too badly about it. But Jewball is about pushing through and putting aside the excuses. What our forefathers did is an exemplar to us descendants. Well, we are all the descendants of one Alan Milchman aka The Oracle of Jewball. The man who started it all. Who started a football game in Flushing Meadows Park, Queens thirty years ago. A game that was played in all weather with no excuses. Whether a two on two or a three on three. It wasn’t a game with tremendously skilled players – they weren’t. Or a game on a great field – it wasn’t. Or a game that was extremely popular. None of that. So why did it survive? How can we possibly explain the fact that Alan – whom I had never met before – came down with his daughter, Aliza, to watch 30 supremely talented Jewballers play our double header Turkey Bowl on a turf field over two decades after he handed the game to Rabin and hung up his cleats? Where he was recognized and welcomed as our founder? I actually think I know. I was telling some of the guys about the legend which Alan was able to confirm in person. When Jewball began, before Zada’s docs, and Whatsapp Ins, and email Ins, and phone calls, and simply showing up, there was The Oracle’s answering machine. Every Saturday night the tape started blank. And a player would call and say “Bradley in.” And Alan would re-record the tape to count Bradley and himself. And Mike would call and say “Mike In” and Alan would erase the tape and re-record to count Bradley, Alan, and Mike. And Rabin would call…Each player would then know how many were in and the hope was that eventually the count would reach 8, maybe 10 and there was enough for a decent game. I think about that answering machine. The hishtadlus that it represents. I think about all the other pick-up games of the time and of all time, and I cannot imagine that there was another Commissioner with that kind of dedication and vision. I picture him erasing the tape and re-recording each time, saying the names. I imagine Alan waiting for the phone to ring and being filled with hope and joy and possibility each time it was a Jewballer on the line saying In. What would have been a stupefying chore to others was an instinctual obligation to him. An obligation. A mitzvah. Taken upon himself with complete faith. What he was doing was exceptional. And maybe he didn’t know why at the time. But I believe that his extreme hishtadlus on those Saturday nights is what merited us our longevity and success. Without that answering machine, the game dies in utero. Rabin is never brought down. Spira is playing somewhere else. I never play the game at all. So, how could I not get to work on these recaps with that kind of inspiration staring me in the face…
eek 5 began with a premature League game to accommodate a former MVP’s return from the wilds of Florida. Prime was back in the fold under the wing of Pray’s Birds. But Prime was not the only MVP coming back to Jewball this season after an absence. The man named MVP and with the trophy to prove it is back from the wilds of Illinois and returns to lead his Crocs in a League campaign. It was Crocs v. BOP to kick off the 2023 League Season. A week after losing both the field and my bicep tendon mid-game, we were blessed to have WMS all to ourselves and the sun was shining. It turned out to be a great day for Jewball.
In the first hour of the game, though I was at Hewlett scoping the field just in case, Yaron was reporting that BOP v. Crocs was shaping up to be a brilliant show. Early on it featured a deep reception by Dobs and a Dobs TD, as well as a mind-bending one handed catch by Zinn. Crocs had the lead and were competing. But of course I show up and Crocs went the way of all my teams. Underdogs can’t win when I’m around. And so Pray began throwing TDs to everyone not named Prime and Snow began throwing passes to everyone not on the Crocs and after 5 picks by BOP and 5 TDs thrown by Pray, the game was out of hand. Snow and the Crocs have a ton of talent and are expected to compete, but they start the League Season 0-1. BOP begin 1-0 and the Jewball goes to Pray for the 5 TDs thrown, plus his 3 picks (2 of which he ran back for scores).
The 945 Games that followed the League Game were not short on epic storylines themselves. Returning from the wilds of Ramat Bet Shemesh, Zez mad his annual return to Jewball – always straight from the airport. I will always maintain that our greatest virtue is that we are always a home for our Vets. If you give enough to this game, and earn Vet status, we will always welcome you back as a conquering hero. No matter how long. No matter how far. And Zez is a Jewball hero and a real life hero. An absolute honor and privilege to have our gunslinger back on the field and firing.
And firing he did. His first TD was a classic Zez rushing TD from the QB slot and his second TD was bullet to Legs in the back in the endzone. The returning warrior was poised to get the W and the Jewball. But (and I feel like I’ve written this a few times already) tis’ the season of Mighty and the Vet goes off for 2 scores in regulation and the score is tied. Zez could have won it in regulation but Logan dropped a sure TD. After Mighty went for hat trick and gave Yaron the lead in OT, it was Zezzy with a drive to at least end in a tie, but his team betrayed him again. Beast couldn’t haul one in that may have gone for a TD, and Zez leaves with nothing but an immeasurable store of love, respect, and admiration – and while Zez is always intent in the W, I have feeling what we provided will do. Jewball to Mighty for all the points (plus a pick).
On the other side of the field was Perla v. Pray in a game where the Randomizer tried to make it hard on Pray. Though he had the number 1 draft pick in Zinn and a cavalcade of Jewball stars, Perla was given Kut, BK, Storm, Dax, Daxxy, Tom and Dobs. As formidable a team as ever assembled. I got into it a little bit with Perla from the sideline when I though the offense was stalling. Here’s my take. No one should be embarrassed on the field. At the same time, no one should be immune from being embarrassed on the field. It’s kind of what we do. Just ask the longest tenured Jewballer, Dr. Duckball Assman. Maybe then….I need to be more careful about the level of it and to who. Regardless, I apologized to White and he has to know it comes from only one place: I want him to be great. I want him to kick Pray’s ass. And Yaron’s ass. And especially Dachs’ ass. I’m an underdog guy. My favorite team this season not named Cronies is of course Purple Cobras. I love a great story. At the same time, we here at Jewball need competitive, quality, fun football – week in and out. And when it comes to QBS, if X isn’t going to do it, Y will. Pray ended up winning the game. Perlas was down 5-2 and mounted a heroic comeback, but dropped the contest 5-4. Perla holds the ball too long, but we still need to recognize the line play of Spira and Salem, going for 8 sacks in total (4 apiece). Jewballs to that dynamic duo.
Week 6 and Turkey Bowl….(and I guess Week 7) to follow….onward! No excuses!

It’s hard to look back on this past Sunday. I don’t want to look back. Not yet. Just forward. First to Monday, when I get this bicep reattached. Then to the 6 weeks of healing. Then to the 4-6 weeks of rehabbing. Then to the day I can return to the field with you all and finish the game I started. Because the game I started went like this….
No one was on the field at Woodmere Middle School when 28 of us Jewballers descended. Prime was back. The sun was shining. Was probably almost 60 degrees. I was feeling light, and fast, and healthy. Pray was my QB.  If you didn’t look at your phone to see how effed up the world was, you’d think….what could be better than right now?
I’ll tell you. Three completions with Pray in the early going and a defense locking down Dachs and his very talented core of receivers including Storm and Zinn. The last of these completions a gorgeously designed play with Stella setting the pick and Jordan crossing behind him from the slot to the out and up…and Pray lofts one just far enough to make it worth the sprint toward the ball. There is nothing like that feeling of seeing a pass in the air and knowing that it’s a good pass – a perfect pass – but it only works if you – the receiver – makes the effort to         get there. And it was in fact worth the effort. A TD. Stat, count it. I look over to the other field and I see Yaron and Mighty putting up points. Me and Mighty scoring TDs on WMS turf. It’s 2009 again. Pray to Jordan almost put up a second score, but a slightly underthrown fade to the right corner of the endzone was picked by Dachs, and the score remained Pray 1, Dachs 0. On the next play, with Dachs taking over from the 5, a quick pass to Ernie on Dach’s right on the outside and it’s mano a mano with Jordan. Ernie trying to get as many yards as possible. Jordan trying to limit the damage. I did something I’ve done a thousand times before. Grabbed him with the left arm, pulled the flag with the right. But, just as it happened with Goldberg on Thanksgiving about 6 years ago….the strength of my adversary overcame the biological limits of my physical body. Tendon snaps, arm is done, game is done. People are sympathetic, but I know how it goes – it just sucks for the players on the field. One person has to rotate. The flow is thrown off. The game is tainted. But, wait, it gets worse.
I look over and see Fox on the sideline as well. He’s hurt. He’s out for the game. When it rains…
Right about then, a very nice guy walks on the field. He is the soccer coach for WMS. He still owes me a video of Mighty racing some kids (though we got it later from Zada). He tells they have permit for 9:30. He says we can stay till 9am. When it rains it pours.
There are few things more important in life to get you through a travail than a productive goal. So, in a way it was a blessing. Instead of watching from the sidelines wondering and worrying how bad the injury was, I had a field to build on the grass. I built it. It was awesome but sucked at the same time. I knew Spira would eventually find a flaw, which he did. But the dimensions were perfect. It was trial and error and wound up in the only spot you could build a field on a patch of grass of that size an shape and with the obstacles it presented. The problem was it was diagonal to every reference point around it. So it was a mind eff of a field. Which isn’t good. Also, there was only one of it. So, at 9am, when Yaron v. Gronk and Pray v. Dachs needed to finish their games, they had to share. 15 minutes each on the grass. It was that kind of day for Jewball. But….Jewball is a long story. You take the good with the not as good.
I believe both games entered their 15 minutes of “overtime” with tie scores. Gronk had thrown 2 TDs to Stats, 1 to Ross, and 1 to Dax. And he had 4 picks. Jewball was his with the W. But Yaron was intent on fixing his early season losing streak. He has been throwing the ball well, but just not doing enough to get Ws. That’s why God created Mighty. To get men Ws. The Mighty one catches 2 scores and adds a third via P6 (along with a bonus pick for good measure). Dude was feeling himself! Yelling at soccer kids, challenging them to races, challenging them to leave the field at the end of their game 8 minutes early.  Yaron and Mighty (along with DK, Bert, Rook, Zada and injured Fox) take a close game from Gronk 5-4. Jewball to Mighty for the show he put on.
Pray and Dachs came in to the 15 minutes knotted at 1s. As Pray described it, the wait between games and the switch to grass killed his team’s momentum. Well, may be true, but why didn’t it kill Dachs’? One team has to want it more. One team has to execute better to wrestle the W from the jaws of L. And Dachs did that. Dobs and Beast performed at the line with 5 sacks between them. Zinn had 2 picks and 2 TDs, the final picking icing the already iced game, which was a one handed bit of insanity streaking across the endzone to steal a TD. That’s some dark magic. But, the game was surely turned with Dachs up 2-1 and Pray beginning a drive with ten minutes left from Dachs’ five yard line. A screen to Prime that went the way of the duck and bounced off Prime’s cleats….into Storm’s arms in the endzone. It more or less put the game away in stupefying fashion. Absolutely brutal.
Game 2 was all Yaron and Gronk and not enough Perla magic. This is the game where BK doesn’t factor in the stats, but it’s really all about him. BK takes himself out, The Rook gets his spot, but the The Rook has cleat issues, so The Kid jumps in for The Rook for BK….and the game will forever be remembered as the one where Gronk humbles The Kid. There will be no bragging or big talk after this one. It wasn’t even so much Gronk toying with our young rook, but more like pretending he wasn’t there. It’s crazy that we have Gronk as a QB when he’s probably a top 3 receiver in the League. But, anyway, enough about Crony problems.
Perla always battles. He hasn’t won in a bit, but he’s always right there. His teams (both day and night) just need to take one more step forward to start being a real threat. Right now, they are performing like high grade speed bumps. They slow you down for a bit, but in the end you get past them anyway. The game was close for a while, with a deep ball to Jack for a score and a sliding grab in the corner of the endzone to Prime, but Yaron and Gronk just kept pouring it on. Perla’s team basically had no answer for Gronk and that was the difference. Gronk loaded up the stats line with 3 scores, a pick, a P6, and a sack. That’s Jewball material. He gets it.
As for me, I’m out for 10-12 weeks. But in the age of the Enlightenment, there are many ways to contribute to Jewball. And I will do what I can to stick around the game. I pray and I Pray. Will be back on the field as soon as possible. Gotta work hard. Gotta Ern it. No pun intendoned.

GAMES at WMS

8am

Game A

Dark

Colors

Dachs – QB
Dobbs
Beast
Kid
Zinn
Storm
Ernie

GAME B

Colors

Yaron – QB
Rook
Mighty
Zada
Bert
DK
Fox

Dark

Gronk – QB
Kut
Ross
Dax
Waldo
Stats
O

945

Dark/Orange

Perla – QB
Prime
Salem
BK
Pray
Spira
Jack

Colors/not Orange

Bron – QB
Storm
Zada
Tom
Sherrif
Gronk
MK

Jewball is the island. We don’t let the outside in. We don’t let the drudgery of the real world permeate the white (or yellow) borders of our turf paradise. But, for as long as most of us can remember, we have called ourselves Jewball. A lot of voices out there might have us question the integrity of our name. Without minimizing how difficult it is and has been to be a member of other tribes and backgrounds, it’s not easy right now to be a Jew. I guess then – since we are all one under this banner – it’s not easy right now to be a Jewballer. I have opinions and thoughts and philosophies about what is going and where it might go, but I’m smart enough to know to keep them to myself and to not listen to those of others. Let’s just stay strong. Stay together. Get through this abysmal era one game at a time. It’s interesting that the Jewball season mirrors the season of this war. We are in Week 4 of the war. We are in Week 4 of Jewball. I pray that very soon it will just be some week of Jewball with no anchors attached and our hostages are home and the rockets stop falling and the missiles stop falling and the sky stops falling and there is lasting peace and security for all.
Because of all this madness, we missed our Draft Party (although the TBI version was superb), and I missed my chance to post a season opening monologue. It’s too late for it now. It would normally be an effusive welcome back in the form of praise for all that is Jewball. An ode to our history and traditions – and generally just expressing appreciation for the moment. You know what? Everything may be going to hell, but my money is on civilization pulling through (call me a psychotic delusional optimist), so let’s go ahead and put the blinders on and appreciate. A Jewball season is a sacred thing. The start of it is a holiday. We celebrate the reunification of the world we have built over the decades that this league has existed. Built over decades but flourished beyond even the Oracle’s prophecies over the past five years. We emerged from a Dark Age where Jewball found itself in exile, playing in Croton, to outlasting Croton, and enter the Revolution. And just when we thought we could not achieve a higher plane of existence – because the football was so damn good and we had ourselves a turf field and no one to interfere – we realized that Jewball was not a season, but that….Jewball was life. And I say that in as un-cult like a way as possible. We ascended to our current incarnation. We are in the age of Enlightenment. Where Jewball is a universe without (many) boundaries. It’s on the field, it’s off the field, it’s on days of joy, and days of heartbreak. With too many permutations to name, but they are all awesome. So, if you just got here – you missed a lot, but you came in at a really good time. Thank you for being here. Not just the Rookies, but all of you. In times like these, you sometimes need to remind yourself why life is so precious and so worth living. So worth sticking around for. So worth wading through the muck of it all. I’m sure we all have different individual answers. But, I know that for me Jewball is right up there.
As of this writing, I did not watch TBI yet. Week 1 seems like a long time ago. I didn’t write a recap for my game. It was the only game I followed that week – Dachs v. Gronk. I left the game and headed for the airport. Dachs wasn’t himself. He wasn’t with his choice receivers and nothing was clicking. Daxxy got hurt and the gameplan changed. Gronk was just fine after basically a year off. With Goldberg dominating in the clutch and putting up 3 scores, he gets a Jewball and an extremely strong start to his season. He made some great plays this past Sunday as well.
Week 3 started off in classic Jewball fashion. Love changing fields on the spot. It’s an ugly situation, but always handled with grace, and elegance, and faith. It’s so much easier now with smart phone and whatsapp. Imagine pulling it off in the olden days. That was handled by leaving Klink or B-sh or BD by the field to redirect everyone to some location…where we also didn’t know if it would be open. The best was when you go to that new location and Jesus or Rabin or Ike were standing there to send you on to the 3rd location. I’ll tell you something….we always found a field. Always. Even if it was pathetic…we lay the cones down somewhere and played. This past Sunday was not so bad. Hewlett had lacrosse, we were told. Re-rout to Woodmere, and by the great gods of Jewball it was empty and nary a security guard in site. We are subject to the fates for the next 3 weeks, and then permit season begins.
The games were actually very good – in terms of competitiveness. Unfortunately, for those who love Jewballs and Ws, neither game had one. Both ended in ties. The only thing less fun than recapping a tie is recapping a blow-out.
Game 1 looked like it was going to be a blow-out. Dachs, reunited with Dax, and finding nice chemistry with Ross and Vegh, went up 3-0 early. Pray had a really good team and Pray is really good so it was tough to watch the lack of fight that was being put up. He was joined by Beast, Steve-O, Daveo, Blitz, Goldberg, and Mighty. Honestly, I don’t remember exactly where things turned. I know there was a sequence where Pray scored (gonna guess to Mighty) and on the next drive Dachs threw an ill-advised cross body pass that fell short and Pray picked it, flipped to Steve-O, and a few plays later Goldberg caught a fireball from Pray in the back of the endzone (after having dropped a similar pass a play earlier). All of a sudden, Pray was back in the game. Offense prowess let to defensive dominance and after another TD to Mighty and a Daveo P6, Pray was leading 4-3! Dachs got back to using his bro at will to gain yards, but even more-so – unwilling to take chances – began running for huge chunks of yards. The game went back and forth in the final half hour and was knotted at 9:30. People had to go. The chippiness was getting chippier, calls were being made and not respected, respected was being called but not made, made was being respected but not called – it was just a mess. So, after Dobbs ran one in with Steve-O maybe getting him at the 1, and Mighty scoring a TD after a flag guard call by Ernie (who had a sparkling comeback game – good on ya, mate!), Dax saw the arguing proliferate and he had enough. He’s not hear for the bad vibes. He assessed and said he was done. And he was right. We gotta fight that urge, people. I gotta fight that urge. Bad vibes have always been a part of Jewball, but at the same time they have no place in it. People tell me that it’s about the rules. Better rules. Clearer rules. Are you joking? You’re not, but I wish you were. This isn’t about rules. Callers are gonna call. Arguers are gonna argue. Protesters are gonna protest. Chumash players are gonna chumash play. All we can do is remind and ask and beg…(each other and ourselves)…don’t make bad calls. And if you made one, take it back quickly. Don’t make calls for people. Don’t make calls from the sideline. Don’t make calls from the field if you aren’t playing and just filming (Jordan!). And if a call is made and stuck to – even a horrendous one – for the good of Jewball and so that Dax doesn’t feel dirty when he goes home – respect the horrendous call as if it was a good one. Don’t argue. Don’t even say, Coooooomeee Onnnnn.
Game 2 was less exciting than Game 1, but still well played and ended with neither side claiming victory. Perla proved himself once again resilient. Coming back from a 2-0 deficit. Yaron was on fire in the early going, slinging majestic needle threading passes to the Ice Man and Jack. But Perla is a never say die type and he surrounded himself with gamers like the Sherrif, BK, Tom, Storm, Rook, and Legs. None of those dudes are folding. And so they battled. Perla hit BK deep over Jordan for a score. Hit Tom deep to get close to endzone and punched it in. Game was tied. Perla almost took the lead but floated one to Legs in the endzone and Jordan managed to pick it. Yaron and the Ice Man scored again, but so did Perla and BK. So there you have it. A recap. May they continue. God should bless us. Our families. Our great Jewball family. God should see what we have done here at Jewball and are doing and how we conduct ourselves and operate with pure love and respect and humanity and in that merit bless this world of His, which is currently on fire.

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