Cult News

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Offseason

Meeting Agenda:

• TBI season finale production meeting
• Trading babies for whiskey scandal
• Trading PJs for no one scandal
• Bert got on base but not softball
• Storm is a patriot
• Pray visits BD
• Jewball Roastee nominations

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April

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• TNF rain delay (pay Dom)
• Commish eats in Passaic?
• Pack vs Roll
• Bring back B-ball nicknames
• Jewball Autumnul Harvest
• Haggadah meeting
• BOPP vs Roll?
• Is Pray a wizard?
• Where’s Kut?
• Prime Kuts “KFP”
• Priestly J sticker research
• Healing poles
• Spira scouting
• Hugs for Gronk and his bro

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March

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Sick play on the way
• TBI All Stars
• DK is a Knish?
• Mighty on AI
• Sting is back
• Planning for available subs for Dachs
• Explaining available subs for Dachs
• Denying Unavailable subs for Dachs
• Polls are open
• Not poles
• Rook finds Top gun house

Snacks and refreshments will be served in the dungeon with pecan tarts (Déjà vu?)

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February

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Superbowl sunday BBQ
• Hide Solos alarm clock
• Brachas from J
• RIP Apollo
• Vets/Rooks planning
• Pray new flag rules (if you can grab it…)
• Explain
• Professor Zada lectures
• Ernie in second cult
• Snow Game with flags?
• snow drone
• Mitzvah sheet
• Swiftie
• Gel lax pads

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January

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• TNF=MNF
• Spira prophetic spotify
• DK open park with water slide
• Sholom Bayis issues
• Big Oppen
• Sick play planning
• Siddur play planning
• Vacation from football due to wet field
• Gronk on unlabeleds for conference final
• Total Recall
• Sick Play teams made
• BD photo op
• Kuts bris breakfast
• VR prep

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December

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Find Zez Eagles game
• Dispute for 30 seconds
• Laws of stalking from windows discussion
• 5:30 AM game
• Locate Viv and bring in for intervention
• Strom QB rating 147.2
• Find Purple Cobras
• Take it off for League Week
• Bert’s Basement Memories
• Sacks vs Snaps vs Ints
• Return of TBD
• Legs’ QB waiver wire
• Kasha vs Shaila
• Find Waldo in FL
• Mike in all three
• Orange you glad you’re not Ernie
• Rock out with Bagels

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November

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Postpone leagues but only a little bit
• Welcome in Zez
• Start a marketplace
• Get Mighty angry
• Mouse race against children
• Earn your tendons
• Wedding planning
• Simple B-sh appetizers (some assembly required)
• Return to nomadic ways
• Between game siyum committee
• Colbeh chumash play
• Get snow pup footage initiative
• Good Good Kush Push
• Happy Talkative Legs
• Brother-in-law?

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October

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Draft online

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Preseason

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Pit Mike against Zinn
• Atone for our sins
• Catch a snake for draft party
• Have Jabroni ruin tennis jokes
• End softball
• World domination
• Prime has a pet gator

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Snacks and refreshments will be served in the dungeon with pecan tarts

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February

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Hold a league game
• 4 games 1 field planning
• TNF rescheduled to Tuesdays (sometimes)
• Steal painting of Legs from Bert’s office
• J is Kind of Wonderful?
• Solo to LB discussion for player safety
• 23 weeks?
• 4 classes of vets rooks
• Jewball National Anthem to be released?
• Beast Juice and Gin Naps
• Still J’s Birthday
• Logans to speak at state of the union

Snacks, sportable grill bbq, Kut board and refreshments will be served

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January

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• New Years being rescheduled
• Panama > Mexico
• No Hugs In
• League Tourney
• Dax in Baked good coma for weekend
• Missing gears
• Party at Waldo
• We have 2 scooters now
• Jets are in the closet
• Hockey for Boomers?
• Boost Storm’s stats for storyline
• Dave-o wants to rub your meat
• White Zinnfandel pairing
• Jewvivor
• Jungle book listening party
• Spira baiting
• Who grabbed beast’s left nut?
• Week 5 moved to last season’s week 17
• Ernie 2023 didnt have harmonica
• Feit watched TBI

Snacks, sunny side up avocado toast, and refreshments will be served

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December

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Ernie still wont settle down
• Push off more league games
• Drug Solo
• Knock off peloton training by Ernie
• NW vs H/W game
• “Second” Jewball chat
• Yoga class
• Mighty needs to leave early
• Bitchbowl staging
• Jesus Bowl game of the era
• Axe throwing in comfortable socks
• Voodoo Bert doll
• More babies
• BionicSpira introduction
• Past is the present

Unlabeled Snacks and refreshments will be served

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November

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Egg King imported by Yoli
• QB Controversy put to distract from poor play
• Include more ball slams
• Find Zinn sticker book
• Rig 2B lottery
• Buy Commanders
• Pjinx Jabroni
• Send old recaps instead of writing new ones
• More babies
• Dachs>Dachs
• Jordan men cant jump
• PJs vs Logan beef squashed
• Referee Sotah Water

Snacks and refreshments will be served (top 5 cereals will be available)

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October

Meeting Agenda:

• Babyballs
• White Goodman throws Sunday morning pickups
• Plan to add additional holidays
• TBI and recaps return
• Beast going full beast mode complete
• Gronk wins leagues by himself
• Zez raises the bar
• Weague leek 1
• Switch back mic settings
• Pops semi retirement party
• Tall nudes

Snacks and refreshments will be served (Kut and Solo will perform a duet)

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September

Meeting Agenda:

• Snake draft controversy
• Rooks R Us team?
• Team benched
• Be inclusive except for Yoni
• Switch Dave o’s mic settings to chipmunk mode
• Jersey design prank
• Make Zinn/Bin a thing
• Twins: Jewball edition

Snacks and refreshments will be served (B-sh is cookin – Whats under the hood?)

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Pre-season

Meeting Agenda:

• Rookie initiations
• Last year’s rooks promotion to “still rooks”
• Discuss third weekly game
• 5th team
• Decide draft order
• Eat snake
• Make Scoot a thing
• Maintain Dachs in Jewball
• Inception Adam
• Rehearsal draft

Snacks and refreshments will be served, smoking allowed (Treehouse is awesome, but no Pjoppers)

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Offseason

Meeting Agenda:

• Goat ritual sacrifice
• Need to silence Dachs to protect cult
• Delete screen caps from Jabron’s Phone
• Get a Jewball Softball game with one team
• Eck is lurking in shadows, watching, listening, and occasionally getting shout outs
• Find Gronk

Snacks and refreshments will be served (Dinner in the backyard when open)

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March

Meeting Agenda:

• Red Sunday Recovery meeting
• Red Sunday Support meeting
• Run calendar changes through Mighty
• Rook’s new name
• Move to Discord?
• Intervention for Kut’s eating habits
• Cult Kinot
• Respect calls get extended car warranty
• Cronies suspected of beating a non-cheating team
• Potential return of PJs next season mention
• TBI season finale uses Gronk deep fake (re: glitches)
• Doma dinner went very well
• Rabin found missing credit card next morning
• Tracking IP address for Operation: Kill Millie

Snacks and refreshments will be served (Leftover wine from party available, there are no more ribs)

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February

Meeting Agenda:

• Vets/Rooks line conspiracy
• Week 18
• Old/Young birth certificate scandal
• Solo catching on to stats record conspiracy (offer him power ranking)
• 4 course bean feast (Ver. Salt-y Superbowl)
• Unleash experimental transmorphic gas serum at Tom/Bert Peace Summit
• Cult Leader overseas chaos ensues
• Cult Leader returns!
• Psychobabble therapy hotline
• Make Rabin Great Again
• Return bottle of booze for $36,000

Snacks and refreshments will be served (wine for Purim Katan will be available if you can rate and score each bottle)

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January

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Discuss the best pizza in queens
• Are Tuesday nights enough or do we need Thursdays as well?
• Salem out of retirement? One handed boxing?
• Ol’ Sally from Golden ages making appearance
• Injuries performance enhancing methods for FCFT linemen
• Choose Cult leaders show of the decade
• Add stats for pressure
• FL and IL Jewball branches
• Transporting snow from HHS to LHS (borrow BD’s Truck?)
• SuckItNation gaining traction
• Snow Pup is not a captain
• Motion for Jabroni to mention Legs more ‘
• Week 17
• Ban plastic cutlery
• Replace Giants GM with Jewballers

Snacks and refreshments will be served (Yes, Zez was here. No, he didn’t make Zoppers for us. Yes, that’s really annoying, but there will be Pjoppers)

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December

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Discuss our mild constant shrooms trip
• Punching bag arcade classes
• Turn off PJs live guest mode ‘voice cancelation’ feature
• Production of Waldo condom line
• Wives side chat
• Find what (or who) is in pool hall ceiling
• Come drills
• Mandatory league wide parsley diets
• Trade deadline scandal coverup
• NHTSA, FDA, & CPSC Issue TD recalls
• Set up calendar photo shoot
• New rules for making a call during the game

Snacks and refreshments will be served along with Donuts from Alan’s Bakery (Yes, there will be Pjoppers, sorry about last month’s meeting and Zoppers not getting delivered)

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November

Meeting Agenda:

• Housekeeping
• Coverup public phone book leak
• Discuss Klink’s planned injury (league week 2 potentially)
• Demand recount in county elections
• Kiddush Schedule
• Steroid experiment on Pops results are in
• Basketball try-outs
• Logan’s Mustache style
• Permanent third ball
• Implemented “blame the ball” to cover WR conspiracy
• Between two Sperns launch
• Write Jewball Movie (look to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as cult leader)
• Conceal Pray’s Batman identity

As always snacks and refreshments will be served (New Zoppers menu – Pjoppers out on protocol leave)

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OCTOBER

Cult meeting postponed due to weather

Meeting Agenda:

• WR collusion to drop Bron’s passes
• Stacking vs team randomization
• TBI’s agenda
• TBD’s return
• TBS’s replacement for Conan
• Tagging Vegh
• Become next County Executive
• Try to take over the world (starting with 2 fields)

Snacks and refreshments will be served (Yes, there will be Pjoppers)